How to Come Out Polyamorous Without Wrecking Your Life

Licensed clinical social worker and poly coach Emily Lambert Robins joins me for a no‑fluff guide on coming out as polyamorous—gracefully. We unpack the most common slip‑ups, why it can feel scarier than coming out LGBTQ+, and the essential conversations you need to have before going public. You’ll hear real scripts to make the moment smoother, wild reaction stories (and how to handle them), plus how to address family, partners, and fears around losing it all. If you’re curious about a more expansive way to love, this episode gives you the roadmap, compassion, and tools to do it right.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Polyamory
• 5:37 Risks of Coming Out Poly
• 11:56 Hardships Compared to Coming Out Queer
• 16:43 Transitioning from Monogamy to Polyamory
• 24:08 Strategic Planning for Coming Out
• 34:01 Common Myths and Misconceptions
• 42:10 Benefits of Living Authentically Poly
• 45:37 Starting Your Coming Out Journey

Transcript

Speaker 2: 1:03

Do the sex pleasure and desire Around here. Nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chats, our most trusted friends and, of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. If you've been here from the beginning, thank you. And if you're new, welcome to my podcast. Where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Now let's talk about sex Cheers.

Speaker 2: 1:38

Today's Talk Sex with Annette topic is how to come out poly and not wreck your life. So you've realized you're poly, or at least you're not wired for monogamy the way Disney promised you would be. Congratulations, you're finally a walking permission slip for radical love. But now comes the scary part telling your partners, your friends, your parents, and surviving when Aunt Kathy clutches her pearls. That's why I'm bringing in the big guns today, her pearls. That's why I'm bringing in the big guns today.

Speaker 2: 2:11

Emily Lambert Robbins, a licensed clinical social worker, certified sex therapist and a powerhouse therapist helping people own their love lives without apology, is here to help us out. She's going to walk us through the messy, magical process of coming out poly with your sanity and your sex life intact. But before we dive in, I want to remind you guys that I'm over on OnlyFans and there I'm sharing my sex and intimacy how-tos and demonstrations, along with audio guided self-pleasure meditations and so much more to help you elevate your intimate life, starting tonight. So you can find me there under the handle at TalkSexWithAnette. You can also find me on Substack same handle. But if you want a really easy way to find me everywhere you want to find me, you just scroll down to the notes in this episode and all of the links are there. So come join me. Emily, will you take a moment to introduce yourself to my listeners and tell them just a little bit more about you before we launch into this conversation?

Speaker 1: 3:13

Hi everybody. My name is Emily Lambert-Robbins. As Annette said, I'm a licensed clinical social worker based out of New York City. I have a private practice for the past 10 years where I've been working with couples and individuals an Imago couples therapist and a sex-certified sex therapist. So I really love working with couples and individuals, helping them have the relationships they love and want, being their authentic selves in their life and relationships, having a sex life that makes them happy and breaking down a lot of the shame. I'm a former attorney turned therapist, a little career changer. I'm a Jersey girl from New Jersey. I live in Manhattan right now, live in the Upper West Side. I'm entirely virtual in my practice. I see people in New York, connecticut and New Jersey right now. I also run couples retreats and those are all over. People from all over the country and the world can come to those in person.

Speaker 2: 4:01

So if you've ever wondered, am I poly or just bad at monogamy, you're going to want to stay right here, because you're going to get some clarity on that and also you are going to get guidance in how to go from thinking you might be poly or starting to practice, to coming out and being able to live authentically, which is what most of us want to do right Like. Life is much better when you aren't hiding the most important parts of you. So stay to the end because, of course, as always, we're going to give you that go bag of tools to start living more authentically, stripping your life of shame and figuring out how to come out as Polly to your loved ones. I'm ready to launch into it. How about you, emily?

Speaker 1: 4:49

That sounds great.

Speaker 2: 4:50

Let's do it. Let's talk about coming out poly. Let's launch into it. Emily, what's the biggest facepalm mistake people make when they come out as poly?

Speaker 1: 5:05

I think the biggest facepalm mistake that I've seen from clients or other you know, friends, people in my life has been not really thinking through the potential consequences of what some of the risks could be in coming out. Because it is coming out as Polly is risky and for some people, you know, for some people it could actually be fine, not really any bumps, but for other people, you know, coming out Polly could have, they could suffer really meaningful losses, you know, in their life loss of family relationships, loss of friendships, losing a job, right. So I think that's the biggest thing is really having to before you're and it can feel like you want to be your authentic self and not live in secrecy, right, and that's for a lot of people that driving force behind a lot of this, why they want to be able to be who they are fully, but really having to think through what would be some of the potential negative consequences if I do come out. And that's something that I always talk to my clients about, really thinking through that and also thinking like who are safe people in my life to come out to? Because unfortunately, you know, poly is not something that is protected when it comes to the laws in our country for discrimination and things like that, and there's a lot of stigma around it, unfortunately.

Speaker 1: 6:28

You know, I think it's gotten a lot better in our country, but there's still a lot of stigma and a lot of, I would say, bias around monogamy right as the norm, and you know so. There's no legal protection for this right, so that means it's possible to lose your job, right. You can face discrimination around child custody potentially, and adoption, right. There's real consequences to it. So I think being able to really talk that through whether it's a therapist, really think about it before you do. I know that's heavy, but it's a reality, right. If thinking about the day and age we're in too.

Speaker 2: 7:07

Well, I was going to say, especially right now, as far as discrimination protections go under the new administration, there are just fewer and fewer protections for anything that doesn't align with very conventional ideas of what relationship and love should look like and sexuality right. So it probably feels even more risky today than it did yesterday.

Speaker 1: 7:36

I know, I know it's like if you're not in like a hetero, you know male-female marriage, having like six babies, right, it's like that's what we're going for now, I guess, in the current climate.

Speaker 2: 7:48

Yeah, listeners know I live in Portland and for me, people being poly or non-monogamous is just. I don't assume anybody is monogamous anymore. That's not an assumption that I have, so but I have to remember that I am in a bubble Like. That is not how it is everywhere else. I'm always shocked when I go everywhere else and people are like like Polly, what is that? Isn't that just for freaks? I'm like no, like people, all kinds of people, are no longer monogamous and and a lot of people just hide it. And these are all kinds of people rich people, poor people, alternative people, normal people.

Speaker 1: 8:32

Right, I'm also in a bubble in New York City. It's, you know, very, I would say, accepted right, all different types of communities and people here. But that's not the reality for some of my friends, my clients in other parts of even the state I live in right In upstate New York or wherever it is Right.

Speaker 2: 8:52

So it's been said that coming out as poly is often harder than coming out queer. Why do you think that is, and is that true?

Speaker 1: 9:02

Yeah, I actually have heard that from clients too that are queer.

Speaker 1: 9:05

Right, that like this is actually, or they've come out as lots of different identities that are maybe marginalized, but coming out as poly people have I've talked to, said this is the hardest thing to come out as actually for them, for some people, because I think there is so much stigma around it and misunderstanding around it too.

Speaker 1: 9:27

Even I think it was maybe the other day I was in like a Facebook group and someone was talking about something and they even said they talked about polyamory and someone said, oh, you mean that's the thing where you have multiple wives like polygamy. I'm like no, so even you got to like correct me, where there's a lot of misconceptions, there's a lot, like I said, of misunderstanding. Oh, that means you just want to have sex with a million people. Well, maybe, or maybe not Right, or maybe that's not how Polly looks for you. So I think that it's just like there's a lot of emotional labor that comes with coming out as Polly, because you have so much explaining to do for people and that can be exhausting, right, and it depends almost like your lifestyle, or like that it's legit and that it's healthy.

Speaker 2: 10:22

Right. And that, that education piece, feeling like you have to do that education piece every time you talk about your life and relationship which can be exhausting, right.

Speaker 1: 10:27

Yeah, I think that's what makes it hard, Because I think even the conversation around poly I think it's gotten a lot better around ethical, non-monogamy polyamory the past few years only. Really it's a start to been more mainstream in a way, like talked about, Whereas coming out in other identities, such as being gay or queer, that's, I think, been maybe kind of a little bit earlier. That was talked about more. So we're just kind of like catching up now in terms of like polyamory being something people talk about, if that makes sense.

Speaker 2: 11:03

For sure, for sure. So for someone who's freaking out right now, what is the first conversation they should have before they tell anyone else?

Speaker 1: 11:13

Well, I always I guess I'd be on by some a therapist, but I always think it's great to talk to a therapist you know, trusted therapist about this, where they might be pathologized for being polyamorous. Oh, is that a sex addiction or is? Are you just like you can't be monogamous? Is that's a bad thing? So it's actually looking for a therapist who's poly friendly, who's going to be, you know, works with this population.

Speaker 1: 11:35

I think it's important, you know, first of all, I think the first part of the conversation is really with yourself. Number one is thinking about why is this important to me, to let people know about this part of myself? You know, like getting clear on what does this mean for your? Is it an identity for you, right? Is it a lifestyle, right? What is it about, Polly? I think getting clear with it for yourself, like why is it that this is a part of me? You know what is important that people know about this for me, like with anything. You know, what would I want someone to know?

Speaker 1: 12:10

And then thinking through, like I said, some of the negative consequences, the potential downsides, and also thinking through what are some of the negative downsides to not coming out right, like thinking about, you know, if I don't tell people right about this, about myself, it's hard to keep secrets, right, and when we keep secrets, that often perpetuates a lot of shame.

Speaker 1: 12:36

Right, and there's a certain kind of grief, you know, when you're not able to be the authentic version of you, like I think you were saying in the beginning, like really be your authentic self and live openly as that. So thinking about that too, the negative consequences of coming out, also the negative consequences if I don't Right. And also thinking about coming out doesn't have to mean coming out to every single person in your world, right, it could be coming out to a few safe people, right, maybe that first, or maybe that's all you do, right, so it doesn't have to be all or nothing, Like I'm either out posting my Facebook status telling my Aunt, judy, you know, at Thanksgiving, or nothing. No, it could be. Maybe I tell a few friends who I know are very nonjudgmental, who I know that that aren't going to shame me for this, or are going to be asked questions, but in a curious way, not like a judgy way.

Speaker 2: 13:29

Right. So sitting down with a therapist could be good for figuring out those things like do I need to come out? And then who am I going to come out with and who all needs to know, and why am I making this decision for myself?

Speaker 1: 13:49

for myself, really thinking about what you want to share with them about this. You think about like do I want to share them about my journey in coming out as you're discovering I was poly, or what's your experience been like with that? Do you want to share that? What drew you to this Like? Do you feel like it's part of your identity? Why is it meaningful to you? What adds to your life? Are there anything that's hard about it?

Speaker 2: 14:10

Right, and I would imagine, as you accumulate partners, depending on the seriousness of those partners, because in poly relationships some partners are more like quote full time partners than others who may not ever really be interested in or in a relationship with you where they meet the parents or they really integrate fully into your everyday life, whereas you have some partners who are or become those everyday life partners, maybe even nesting partners, meaning they live with you right.

Speaker 1: 14:50

If you're in, like you said, depending on the type of relationships that you're in, you might be in like a triad, right, or like a polycule, or maybe you live with multiple partners, right. Or maybe you have a nesting partner or a primary partner, but then you have a very serious relationship with someone else. It makes things like family events or holidays can be very stressful, right, because what do you do? Do you bring your other partner to Thanksgiving and say they're a friend, or do you sleep in a separate bedroom? People can feel like it can feel unsettling. Let's say, you have a very important partner in your life, yet you can't bring them to events, or you feel like you have to be like oh, this is just my friend. So I think that could be really hard for people to navigate if they're not able to be out about. Hey, these are my two partners and we all live together and we're all romantically involved.

Speaker 2: 15:40

Right, it's figuring out how much you can tell. And then if you've got two partners you're living with, then it's like you have to figure out how to come out. Enough, assuming that's what everybody wants. Which brings me to my next question. Let's talk partners. What if you want to come out poly, but your current partner thought they signed up for monogamy? What then? So I know from personal experience a lot of people who go from a monogamous structure to wanting polyamory. So let's start with that conversation.

Speaker 1: 16:25

They've been in a monogamous marriage or relationship for many years, one partner or both but usually it's one who kind of instigates the topic, like hey, I think I want to try this Right, or or it might come off on. Sometimes I've seen on the heels of like after infidelity of many years, and then maybe that has surfaced, and then the person's like, look, I don't think I could actually really do monogamy, you know, I don't think this is really for me. And then it's also like then you're healing from that as well, and I think that. So, like I said, I've worked with a lot of couples on this and I think it's, you know, really exploring, helping people explore again the motivations around this. Like, you know, it's changing your, your relationship structure and how you know the identity of you guys as a monogamous couple, right, and then, like, all of a sudden changing that and like what does that mean? You know, what would be some of the benefits to changing your relationship or becoming polyamorous? What are some challenges that might come up?

Speaker 1: 17:31

You know, talking through that, what are some for the person who may be more reluctant, like what are some of the fears there?

Speaker 1: 17:38

You know, is this something that, where they want to stretch into.

Speaker 1: 17:42

You know, and I've seen that, where people maybe are more reluctant or that's supposed to be something they would choose for themselves, but they want to stay with their partner and they want to support their partner, so they're open to trying it right, even if it may not be something that they themselves would do on their own.

Speaker 1: 18:01

So I think, you know, being able to start having these conversations they're really hard right, because you're and a lot of people I see are really maybe they grew up with a very like monogamy framework, right. So like really turning that on its head and thinking about, wow, like we've been monogamous 20 years and now all of a sudden we're not going to be. It's like a big mindset shift. I think there's a lot to talk about around that and around the grief and the loss of the old relationship too right loss of the old relationship too right and also processing some of the. If there was someone acting as if they were an open relationship but it wasn't open, like there was infidelity and things like that, I think then also healing from that.

Speaker 2: 18:45

that has to happen right, so sitting down and having that conversation, how would you open it with your partner? If you're starting to feel like you want to try a different model, what would your suggestion be for launching into that conversation?

Speaker 1: 19:04

Yeah, I mean I think leading with you know, always, like I say, I do Imago couples therapy and we have something called the Imago dialogue, which is like a really beautiful way of communicating and listening to each other, where you're sharing really, as we call it, the sender, the person who's sharing. You first make an appointment with your partner, so it's like make checking to see if they're available right to have a conversation. So it'd be like you know, hey, I want to talk about. I've been thinking about you know something that has been coming up for me around how I'm viewing relationships or how I'm viewing what I want out of our relationship or out of my life.

Speaker 1: 19:43

You know something around like thinking about monogamy or different ways we could approach this like is now a good time to talk about that and see if they're in the space, the partners in the space, and then, I think, avoiding, like we say in a model, the nuclear weapons, the blaming, the criticism.

Speaker 1: 20:01

I mean we know this all, but then, like sometimes in the moment, we could go to it right, be like well, I want to, I'm not getting what I need from you, or our sex life isn't good, so I want to do this, it's fine, it's going to go over that. Well, right, like so, sticking onto the I right. So like I'm feeling, like I've been thinking a lot about wanting to explore something, or maybe I read something about polyamory and it spoke to me, you know, about how I want to maybe approach our romantic relationship, and it sounds really appealing and this is why, and this is why, and this is you know what comes up for me about this, why I would like it so like speaking from your feelings, your experiences, instead of like putting out criticizing the partner or, you know, coming from a place of, like you know, like a lack in the relationship, if that makes sense.

Speaker 2: 21:18

Right, the second option there is going to go over way better than the first option with the blaming, because then it just sounds like I'm dissatisfied with this relationship so I'm trying to find somebody else and basically get permission, rather than kind of talking about it as how it could be a good experience for both of you to do together. Would you say and I don't want to get off our topic too much but that it's a good idea to initiate these kind of conversations, especially if there's been infidelity before you've healed the infidelity, or do you think that it's critical to work through that before you make that kind of decision?

Speaker 1: 22:03

I wouldn't say it has to be like linear, like that. I wish I think in an ideal world maybe right it would be. It would be like, ok, we healed, we worked through that and now we're approaching this. I guess, maybe because when people come to me things, I think life is like a beautiful mess, you know what I mean. It's a lot of times maybe we've healed some and we're also talking about becoming poly and we're in that work, doing that, and then we have to go back and heal more, right? So it's never to me, it's not always so perfect, but that makes sense. I think it's okay, cause I think the healing is, it's a process, you know.

Speaker 2: 22:41

Yes. So on the topic of partners, let's say you have been poly for a little while and you have a couple of partners and you get to the point where you feel like for yourself, being able to be open about being poly is the healthiest route to go. You feel the need to tell your family at least, and some friends and your partner or partners, even if it's just one of them, does not want to come out openly as poly. How do you navigate those conversations?

Speaker 1: 23:21

Yeah, and I think you know really, and having a conversation where you're able or probably many conversations, not just one, but where you're really able to, we say in a MAGA like listen, dialogically.

Speaker 1: 23:35

So we're like wait, one person sends and the other person really just mirrors, just listens and reflects back what they're saying. And I think in this kind of situation it would be a lot of that dialoguing, where one person really speaks on why it's important to come out as poly right, and the other partner just reflects back and listens deeply so they can go in their partner's world and understand why it's important and be able to validate and empathize with them, and then the other partner can be able to share here's why I really don't want to come out or why I'm really scared about that and like through but only through, like connection and through that deep listening, I think is there then ability to figure out what to do. So I think that's really important. How we talk about it as the type of couples work I do, it's through this awesome process of dialoguing, deeply listening and changing how we listen.

Speaker 1: 24:49

I think that would start from there. And then, once you know more, maybe you hear more about why it's so important for your partner to come out. Maybe you start to shift right. Maybe the partner's like, wow, I hear this, you feel like you know, if you don't come out, this is going to be really just perpetuate this feeling of shame for you, or you know, you've experienced for a lot of your life. And maybe then there's a shift and like, ok, well, maybe what if you just come out to a few friends that are going to be really supportive, right, maybe I can live with that, but let's not post it on Facebook, you know, or then you might start, or maybe not, but there's at least there's an option. There's like more of an opportunity there. You know, and you're able to hear your partner's fear hey, I'm worried about losing my job if we come out Right. Or I'm worried about losing custody of my kid, right and then be able to hear that, ok, well, of course I don't want that to happen.

Speaker 2: 25:55

So how can we make sure that if I do come out to people like that, that's not going to be in jeopardy? Right, right, you can plan together. Yeah, for ways that can work and ways that don't right.

Speaker 1: 25:59

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can come out to select people. Like I said, save people Doesn't have to be to the world if you don't want it to be.

Speaker 2: 26:09

Right. So it sounds like there's a lot of strategic planning and coming out. Polly, depending on you know where you live and and the risks that that there are. So it sounds like to me one of the very first thing is a risk assessment for everybody involved.

Speaker 1: 26:31

Yes, yeah, I think that's the biggest thing I see as a therapist. First, my job is really to help people sort through the negative consequences right of coming out and the risks, and then also the risks of not coming out right.

Speaker 2: 26:48

So if you could design the dream script for someone's first coming out convo, what would it sound like?

Speaker 1: 26:57

Oh, wow, that's a good question. I'm trying to think because I think that's going to be so dependent on the person, but I think I'm just going to say what comes to my mind for it. So I'm just going to say I want you to know something about me. This is something that I'm sharing with you because I really value you and our relationship. Right, there's a part about me that you don't know and I feel it would be really great for you to know this part, because I value our relationship. I think it would strengthen our relationship if you know this. I understand you may not understand this and there might be questions that I'm open to answer. You know there's a part about me and is that I identify as polyamorous, and I think from there you know explaining. What does that mean for you? What does that look like or what's your journey been? That's really dependent on the person, right?

Speaker 1: 27:52

Like I said, polyamory can look so many different ways. Right, you could be married and look to the outside like a monogamous couple, but maybe you actually have another really serious partner, right? Or maybe you're solo poly, right, and you aren't living with anyone, or aren't married and you have many relationships, but maybe they're more primary partner, right. Or maybe you're polyamorous and you're with a primary partner but you're not dating anyone else at the time, right. But you still identify as poly. It's still a part of who you are, so I think it's like sharing with them.

Speaker 1: 28:26

What does poly mean to you, like in your life? Like this is what it looks like in my life and this is why it's meaningful to me and maybe a little bit of your story of like a journey with it, when I maybe realized this is something that you know, maybe's interesting, because I, when I talk to like teenagers now, you know, like 15, 16 year olds now they're having these conversations with their friends hey, I might be polyamorous or maybe I'm asexual. When I was growing up, people didn't even come out as gay. You know, I'm an older millennial, so there wasn't even that talk. So it's cool. Now it's very accepting, but again, it depends an older millennial, so there wasn't even that talk, so it's cool. Now it's very accepting, but again, it depends on where you live, right.

Speaker 2: 29:15

Yeah, no, I think the youth here obviously are. The concept of poly is like old to them.

Speaker 2: 29:23

They're like yeah, whatever, yeah, I might be, it does not stress them out at all, which is interesting to see how people I think older well, millennials and up were still locked in. We remember conventional living and the danger around it. And Gen Z is really interesting to me because they already know about all this stuff and it's like they treat it almost like it's annoying, like who cares Whatever. Even when it comes to the concept of cheating, they seem to be a lot more like yeah, people have. I mean probably because all their parents were trying to be monogamous and cheating on each other and getting caught. But like, let's be honest, like I don't actually know a monogamous married couple, either from my parents' generation or beyond, where there hasn't been infidelity. I suspect I know one couple who maybe hasn't cheated on some level, but who knows, I don't know anybody who hasn't been in a monogamous relationship where there's been cheating relationship where there's been cheating.

Speaker 2: 30:31

So I feel like, with Gen Z growing up with that and them knowing like we all think kids don't know, but they all know. They're just kind of like yeah, people are people and make mistakes and so probably polyamory makes more sense to them. They're like yeah, just be, just be real, please. And I do see kids like, regardless of what our current administration wants to do and I think even regardless of how much of a setback there is, gen Z is coming and they do not give two fucks. They're like. I think they're more apt to insist on living authentically and they know there are options out there and you cannot take the knowledge of options away from people right Once you know.

Speaker 1: 31:16

Yeah, I have a client, a couple I worked with, that had teenage kids like 18, 17, around that age, and they came out to their kids they were monogamous, now they're going to be polyamorous and the kid's reaction was more like all right, cool, what's for dinner?

Speaker 2: 31:32

Yeah, I've gone through iterations of I've been monogamous, I've been in an open relationship, I've kind of played with a moment in poly world where I would say it would be defined as polyamorous, and now I'm like trying to figure out what I want my future to look like. But my kids I have three kids, and one thing that I haven't done is I haven't hidden everything from them. I've just been kind of like, yeah, this is where we're at, your dad and I are at, or where I'm at now, and they're kind of like, oh cool, all right, like they don't care, just like, oh okay, as long as I'm there and loving them and raising them and taking care of them, right, they just want me to be happy and and also, it gives them permission to have options. So cool is that?

Speaker 1: 32:22

right to be able to like that for your kids and be like look you can like. Life doesn't have to look like one way. Right, and that's what so there's options for you like. I'll like. There's not that because kids know, even if you don't. I think people don't tell kids, but you said maybe generations above us right, like maybe the parents were monogamous, but kids know there was stuff going right and I think a parent that's living authentically and happy, like that's number one, right?

Speaker 1: 32:51

They have a happy mom. You know I have a 14-month-old daughter, so my daughter's a little young for any kind of conversations like that, but you know I want her to see me as happy and living true to myself. Hopefully that will inspire her too.

Speaker 2: 33:06

It gives them permission to have the life they want and make decisions for themselves. So what is the wildest or weirdest reaction you've ever heard someone get after coming out as Polly?

Speaker 1: 33:20

Well, I think it was one of the ones I told you about in the beginning of the interview, which is where they said oh, like, that means you like the Mormons, like you have multiple wives or you're like, you know, like like big love or whatever, like that kind of thing. They think we're like living on a compound, you know like, okay, like, and you have like a million wives, that kind of thing. I think people like sensationalize it like that. I think that's probably like one of the weirdest reactions. Another one that is kind of like. I think a reaction that people get that is weird but also kind of funny in a weird way is like oh, does that? You must be like bagging a million people. Right, you must be having sex every night of the week. Oh, you don't also have a job and kids and the mortgage and stuff like that. It's like you just having sex all the time. It's like, well, maybe someone is, but also maybe not A lot of. It's like we're still regular people.

Speaker 2: 35:17

You know Right Like, yeah, this idea that there's just sex parties going on every night and Monday night.

Speaker 1: 35:26

You know, it's like it's a Monday night.

Speaker 2: 35:29

There's no sex party tonight.

Speaker 1: 35:31

Like well, maybe I'll put my kid to bed and make a dinner and go to bed at nine, you know right. Right.

Speaker 2: 35:36

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 35:36

It's like this normal people.

Speaker 2: 35:39

So is there? You've named a couple, but is there another prevalent myth about polyamory that you hear all the time that you wish you could just squash put an end to officially?

Speaker 1: 35:53

I think, yeah, I all the time that you wish you could just squash, put an end to officially. I think, yeah, I think I named the biggest ones, or that it's that it all is the same for everyone. One in terms of like poly means looks the same for everyone. That's a big myth because it does it right. What you want out of polyamorous relationships is the same, right? People can want many different things, right?

Speaker 1: 36:13

Some people are really looking a lot for deep emotional connection and want maybe only one or two partners. Other people, maybe it's more about sex and more about the physical. For other people, they really want maybe have a primary partner. Other people, they're relationship anarchists and they don't want any hierarchy and all of this can be polyamory. So I an identity that they almost as if like you know people you're like hey, I realize I'm queer, right, and that's a part of my identity. This becomes part of people's identity and not something necessarily that they knew really early on that this actually feels right to them before they can even be put into words. You know that actually. I think this is who I am.

Speaker 2: 37:12

I think there are people who actually identify as their relationship style becomes an identity, in that some people feel like, look, I'm just wired for monogamy, I can't.

Speaker 2: 37:26

And I would say to those people well, first you got to make sure that you're wired for monogamy and you're not programmed for monogamy, because of course we're programmed from day one in this society. But I do think there are people who are just like this that one person is enough for me. Anything more sounds miserable. And there are some people who are like, no, like I can just tell, like I'm someone who can love multiple people and have multiple relationships in my life and I like that. And then there's a new term that has come out that I do want to dive into in a podcast episode itself called I believe it's ambiamory, where someone feels like they can be either, like I can do monogamy and I can do polyamory, identify with just one, but I think I can move between them both. And it's more and more common that people are looking at their relationship style preference as an actual identity, as you would look at your sexuality.

Speaker 1: 38:24

Exactly, exactly, and I actually haven't heard of the term, is it ambiamory? It's cool, I mean. I think it just also shows like there's fluidity, right, like we're not, we're evolving, we're always evolving and depending on our life, depending on circumstances, like you know, like you don't have to, there's flexibility, you know, right, like you might start out as monogamous with somebody and then the two of you realize, hey, we've created this really secure connection.

Speaker 2: 38:51

Maybe we want to open up a little and see what that looks like, especially if you think about how long we live now and how long relationships last now. You know people were into monogamy when you died at 35, right, maybe 10 years of marriage maybe.

Speaker 1: 39:07

Well right, it's like all right, I'm living at 35, 10 years of monogamy, all right. I guess I could do that. You know 15, 20, 30, like, come on. But now we're living to what? 90s?

Speaker 2: 39:20

hopefully, right we're trying to do and we're banging all the way to death, like people are having sex well into their 70s and 80s, right so yeah, doing they should. Yeah, as they should.

Speaker 1: 39:33

Doing that with one person, the rest of your life can feel for a lot of people maybe not what they want you know, or maybe that sounds like I don't know about that.

Speaker 2: 39:43

Right. So we've talked about the risks, but what I would like to look at next is what's the biggest gift you've seen come out of people living openly as poly.

Speaker 1: 39:56

I've seen there's this term in the Mago couples therapy that is called joyful aliveness and the idea is that we're all born fully, whole, like fully who. We need to be joyfully alive right. And then, as we go through life, certain things dim that aliveness, certain traumas or experiences, and part of the journey of life is to reclaim that joyful aliveness. And when I've seen people be able to come out, you know, and be their authentic selves and live fully in that way, I see such joyful alveness, like it's amazing, you know, seeing people become just lighter, happier, you know, and it's like, could almost be like sometimes a whole new person that you see emerge, you know, when the weight of the shame or the secrecy has been weighing someone down for a long time and then they're out and feeling like they're living their truth.

Speaker 1: 40:52

That's a beautiful thing, you know, and I think could be an amazing transformation and bring a lot of joy to people. And also seeing people accept them and love them. Well, what an experience to be like. This is who I am, you know, and have people embrace that. That's the ideal right To have people embrace it and be like and have people embrace that. That's the ideal right To have people embrace it and be like I love you, and that's awesome. I'm so happy for you. That's amazing. If you could have that experience.

Speaker 2: 41:21

We've talked about the risks. We've talked about the gifts. Before we go, can you give my listeners? Let's say there's some out there tonight. They're ready to either come out to their partner or their family. Where do they start? What are some things they can start doing tonight, tomorrow, this week, to live more authentically? What would your roadmap?

Speaker 1: 41:46

be, I think, first, maybe sitting with yourself, you know, and maybe writing down a little bit about, you know, reflecting on your own journey, you know, a romantic journey and journey to like realizing your poly, you know, thinking about what that's looked like for you, Thinking about, maybe, what polyamory has given you or what you if it's not something that maybe you've explored yet, but want to explore like why you want to do this right, why you want to explore this and really start to like just kind of like journal or think about it, right, and then think about who is someone that I feel I could start to share this with, really some of these thoughts I'm having, and I would say pick like one person right that feels safe to you, that maybe that is your partner, right, or maybe that's your therapist, or maybe that's the best friend, and start to have the conversation with them and see how that feels. I don't know about you, but I'm honored if someone comes to me like, hey, I want to share something that I haven't told anyone else.

Speaker 2: 42:52

All right, guys, there you go. You know where your starting point is. So now, emily, can you tell everybody where they can find you if you know they want to reach out to you for some guidance or to find out more about what you do?

Speaker 1: 43:06

Sure, you can find me at my website, emilylambertrobbinscom. The website is the best way to reach me. You can reach out through there. I have a newsletter. I also run free monthly webinars on Imago Couples Therapy. You can find out information about my couples retreats, more about the work I do and, yeah, that's the best place to start.

Speaker 2: 43:28

So, folks, coming out as Polly isn't just a conversation. It's a revolution inside your life, your relationships and the way you claim your pleasure. Huge thanks to Emily for giving us a roadmap and the real talk we all need. I want to remind you, if you guys are looking for an intimacy coach or a cheerleader in your own self-pleasure journey, my books are open right now and you can find out more about that at TalkSexWithAnnettecom. If you have questions about what you've heard in this episode or viewed in this episode, if you're on my YouTube channel, which is at TalkSexWithAnnette, you can just drop your comment below the video. You can also reach out to me directly at Annette at TalkSexWithAnnettecom. You can scroll down to the notes below and you will find my speak pipe. You can send me a voice message and I will do my best to get all of your questions answered as soon as possible. Emily, thank you again for joining me for this conversation.

Speaker 2: 44:28

Thank you so much for having me. This was so much fun it was, and until next time, folks, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers.

Speaker 1: 44:36

Cheers.